Bar Talk
“I think Scarlett Johansson wants me.”
“Dude! Aren’t you like 40 years older than her?”
“Aren’t you 40 years too old to be calling me ‘Dude’ and using ‘like’ to preface your nonpoint?”
“Fuck you. You’re old.”
“Fuck you. You’re stupid.”
“I’m just sayin’…”
“What? You’re just saying what? That you’re jealous that Scarlett Johansson wants me? That Chelsea Handler thinks I’m funny and interesting? That Ashley Judd thinks I’m smart? That Keira Knightley wants to swashbuckle me? That Reese Witherspoon wants me to trace the outline of her jaw with my tongue? Is that what you’re saying?”
“Yeah, Dog. That’s what I’m sayin’. You got me.”
“I’m sorry, you insipid sack of shit. But did you just call me ‘Dog?’”
"That’s right.”
“You’re an idiot.”
“You are.”
“You’re Mom is.”
“My Mom thinks you’re a dick.”
“Shut up.”
“You shut up.”
“I’m serious. Scarlett Johansson wants me.”
“And Chelsea Handler thinks you’re funny?”
“That’s right.”
“Does Chelsea know you make less than a school teacher and that you couldn’t even afford tickets to her show this weekend? Does she know that?”
“Maybe she does.”
“Maybe she does?”
“That’s right.”
“You’re pathetic.”
“You’re mom’s pathetic.”
“Would you just shut up?”
“Would you?”
[Pause]
“You wanna another beer?”
“Say ‘Scarlett Johansson wants me.’”
“Scarlett Johansson wants you.”
[Pause]
“Yeah. I could drink another beer.”
[Pause]
“Bartender!”
“Dude! Aren’t you like 40 years older than her?”
“Aren’t you 40 years too old to be calling me ‘Dude’ and using ‘like’ to preface your nonpoint?”
“Fuck you. You’re old.”
“Fuck you. You’re stupid.”
“I’m just sayin’…”
“What? You’re just saying what? That you’re jealous that Scarlett Johansson wants me? That Chelsea Handler thinks I’m funny and interesting? That Ashley Judd thinks I’m smart? That Keira Knightley wants to swashbuckle me? That Reese Witherspoon wants me to trace the outline of her jaw with my tongue? Is that what you’re saying?”
“Yeah, Dog. That’s what I’m sayin’. You got me.”
“I’m sorry, you insipid sack of shit. But did you just call me ‘Dog?’”
"That’s right.”
“You’re an idiot.”
“You are.”
“You’re Mom is.”
“My Mom thinks you’re a dick.”
“Shut up.”
“You shut up.”
“I’m serious. Scarlett Johansson wants me.”
“And Chelsea Handler thinks you’re funny?”
“That’s right.”
“Does Chelsea know you make less than a school teacher and that you couldn’t even afford tickets to her show this weekend? Does she know that?”
“Maybe she does.”
“Maybe she does?”
“That’s right.”
“You’re pathetic.”
“You’re mom’s pathetic.”
“Would you just shut up?”
“Would you?”
[Pause]
“You wanna another beer?”
“Say ‘Scarlett Johansson wants me.’”
“Scarlett Johansson wants you.”
[Pause]
“Yeah. I could drink another beer.”
[Pause]
“Bartender!”
posted by Ryan at 10:33 PM
5 Comments:
HAHAHA!Ya gotta love it.
Sounds more like one of your work conversations...
For the record, I don't want you. There's not enough soap in the world to wash away the shame I'd feel afterward.
And I've spoken to Reese and she says you were the worst she's ever had, and it would have never happened if she hadn't been as blindingly drunk as she was.
Scarlett truly does want you. She told me so when we were hanging out last weekend. You can ignore the comment before...
Next time you see her, could you please have her ask Eric Bana to stop calling while my husband is home?
Thanks.
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