Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Convolution Wrote the Gay Straight Man

I’ve always been a bit of a strange bird. Strange in that I’ve not really been able to pin myself down in terms of description—nor have I had much inclination to. And I like that. I appreciate that elusive quality about myself, primarily because it is a sincere quirk and not an affectation (as is often the case with folks).

I have definitive opinions on just about everything but rarely share them unless pressed—and even then I have to be in the mood. When I do elect to share, it is not with the intent of winning one over to my side of things. I may not agree with you, but in all honesty I could not care less whether you think as I do. Generally speaking, I am interested in other’s views if for nothing else the opportunity to learn something new. That is a rare and fine thing and I like it. Above all (most) else though, I am a live and let live kind of guy. As long as you don’t fuck with me or mine, it is not likely that I will fuck with you. It is as simple a motto, slogan, caption, mantra, bumper sticker, what have you as I can imagine. I’ve always had a little difficulty grasping that there are not more folks who adhere to a similar belief. Don’t think for a moment that I don’t recognize the sheer arrogance and hint of hypocrisy in that admission, for I do. But while I may have trouble grasping that more people don’t follow similar paths, I would never presume to tell someone that they should. So in that sense, I am comfortable that I am being consistent. My belief system works for me and that, really, is my only concern with it at the moment. It seems to parallel the oft quoted and clichéd Golden Rule that so many others profess to follow but rarely do.

All of that nonsense to get to this: I’ve been troubled lately by a thing that I would ordinarily find hilarious, re-tell to close friends for the sake of story, then rid from my overcrowded bean forever. See, I credit myself with a rare personality glitch that prevents me from insult or offense. Rather, I cannot be insulted or offended. Perhaps it harkens back to an arrogance of which I am unaware; but instead of simply saying it, I truly do not care what people think of me; and I am so inherently vile that (seemingly) nothing offends me. And herein lies the problem. I think I am mostly bothered by the fact that I am bothered. I learned recently that extended family of the Boy’s mother relayed as fact—not opinion—to other extended family members that I am gay and my Boy is being raised in an unhealthy environment. Apparently, it is my homosexuality that broke up my marriage. Yeah, Baby! The closet door has been pried open and Word’s out—I like the dick.

Nine out of ten times I would laugh at this like there was no tomorrow. I am as secure in my masculinity as I need to be; and I am in no way threatened, or bothered by homosexuality. The reason being? Because I live and let live. I simply do not care! So it is certainly not the stigma of homosexuality—implied or otherwise—that hurts me here. And “hurt” is not appropriate for what I feel. For there is another unfortunate quirk of my personality that would permit me to dismiss these particular people from my thoughts altogether. In the big scheme, they are of no significant import to me. I like them, have welcomed them into my home, and have gone far out of my way to ensure their comfort. It has been important to me that they have a role in Emerson’s life. Despite my cynical facade, I respect family and tradition. Many of my efforts thus far reflect that. So I am not hurt that they have dubbed me gay. If this story is true, they have underestimated my personal security and open-mindedness. But having borne witness—albeit peripherally— to my role in Em’s upbringing these past four years, that they would dare suggest the Boy is somehow in harm’s way by being in my custody infuriates me. My reaction is as convoluted as you might expect.



I understand divorce has long-reaching affects. From family to circles of friends to casual acquaintances, folks are affected and reactive. I am no one to fuck with human nature. I get it, I do. But no one has been more hurt by this than my son, his mother, and me. We’ve got our own shit to deal with. So when someone so far removed from the immediate situation reverts to seventh grade name-calling and rumor-spreading, I take exception. And my uncharacteristically itchy trigger finger encourages me to slap the living shit out of two old people. And that pisses me off in ways I cannot voice. Because that is not my nature. I am pissed that during such a difficult time, I have allowed myself to become saddled with this ridiculousness. I am pissed that I have allowed this to occupy anything more than a millisecond of my very limited time. I am pissed that I have circumvented my own freakish need for privacy and shared any of this. I am pissed…

It is a trial to maintain a level head under the best of circumstances, eh?

I know little, but I do know this: I love my Boy more than life and there is nothing I wouldn’t do for him or to ensure his well being. For me, a vastly important part of his well-being is family interaction—paternal and maternal. He is a deeply loved Boy and, in turn, he loves deeply. I have made and endured several compromises to ensure that Em receives and returns this interaction. For now, I will continue. But, for good or for bad, the Boy will take his lead, direction, and instruction from me. I will have done him no favors by granting him an audience with people who denigrate his father. This is where it becomes particularly complicated. I am quite capable of dealing with insults and slurs. Truly, I am not that sensitive. I will certainly manage to give the Boy enough reasons to doubt me on my own as he lumbers into manhood. These missteps will be entirely earned and thus on my conscience. I will have earned them. And I will own them. But should a four-year-old child be subjected to such hatefulness directed at his father? What kind of respect would/should he have for a father who knowingly sanctions such hatefulness? Or is there a grander lesson of turning the other cheek in this?

But rhetorical is rhetorical and life is rarely defined.

Experience tells me that third person accounts of anything are rarely accurate. This one, though, stinks of truth. Soon I will approach the offending parties and graciously give them an “out” or a stage on which they can present their “Ryan likes cock and is a horrible father” PowerPoint. Either way, my response is not likely to be pretty and I already regret that. I hope to be the bigger man here and retain a relationship that gives my son the gift of people with experience and love and goodness. I hope. I hope I am that big.

For the record, my issue here is not with childish name calling. Nor do I have the energy to debate whether homosexual parents are less capable than heterosexual parents. These are non-issues for me. My issues are with betrayal, maliciousness, and overt indecency—and, ultimately, how I choose to deal with them.

12 Comments:

Blogger MJ said...

You could challenge them to a duel

2:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's official; we're long-lost brothers.

Maybe I'm stating the obvious, but I have found that people are truly intimidated by people who don't give a crap about what we view as petty and inconsequential. When they can't engage you in meaningless gossip or idle chatter, they turn and call you a "strange bird" and then the rumors fly.

If the duel fails, you could ask out your former father-in-law. You know, since the cat's out of the bag and all.

You know, while I'm rambling, how does homosexuality equate to a bad upbringing. As if heterosexual relationships are pristine and pure environments for kids.

Ah, if only more people would think with their hearts and their minds, rather than propaganda passed down from generation to generation, or over white picket fences.

9:16 AM  
Blogger Roxy said...

I may sound silly for posting this, but thank you for so eloquently stating your dilemma. I too have definitive opinions about how I live my life but generally keep them silent and let others live as they may. I also treasure the bonds of family and the importance of tradition.

My husband and I, still newly wed and not yet blessed with a wonderful child (such as Emerson), have had conversations about similar matters concerning his parents. However, the one simple point is that their manipulations, backstabbing and name calling doesn't hurt when they direct their insecurities toward me. I am resilient. But when it comes to my future child, I'm already anxious as to how to handle my in-laws. At some point, it won't be pretty.

Thank you for sharing this, Ryan. I wish you the best.

10:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ryan,

It's me, E. I hate to hear that the assholes in question are doing what they can to make life harder on Em. That's all shit like that can do, ultimately, is make things harder for him. People suck sometimes ya know.

Living well is the best revenge my man. My unsolicited advice is to take the high road & ignore it.

Peace,
e

1:27 PM  
Blogger Nashville Knucklehead said...

Our children are about the same age. I took the high road in my divorce. While I do it under my breath several times a day, I have never called my ex-wife an adultering, homewrecking bitch in front of my daughter. And for that, I am glad. It gets easier as time goes by.

Having said that, if I found that she or someone in her family was saying disparaging things about me to my kid, my high road would go right up the offending person's ass until the situation was settled.

Don't feel the least bit bad about calling someone out on trying to fuck with your relationship with your kid.

3:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As your youngest big sister you know that I am full of admiration for you....always have been. It's only grown while watching you raise Em.

That said, I really must cast my vote with Nashville Knucklehead. Of course MJ and Hamel have some pretty good solutions too. Maybe you could ask "him" out and then go for the duel.

Any way you deal with it will be what is beneficial to Emerson and that is truly admirable.

5:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is almost expected that a divorce will bring out the worst in families as they attempt to deal with the separation. Shortcomings from one side are easier to digest while bringing the other side down.

To me, respect from the other family is the problem. Respect for your time. Respect for the past, present and future efforts to raise your boy.

They do not respect or understand the lengths that you have gone to preserve the family ties that are important. Maybe they do not deserve them.

Whatever way you choose to deal with your dilemma, that family needs to know it is a privilege to be a part of Em's life.

A privilege you now control.
Cock Sucker.

6:23 PM  
Blogger Ryan said...

My sincerest Thanks to each of you. Your thoughts are appreciated.

I'm leaning toward "duel."


Ryan

10:29 PM  
Blogger meg said...

As a single parent myself, I get the looks, the whispers and the stares from family members and others who find out. I'm used to it by now and really, like you, don't give a flying fuck what they think about how I raise my daughter.

My best friends are gay men. They are like fathers to my daughter and I wouldn't change that for the world. (Sometimes, she listens to them more then me!) I believe she'll grow up to be a healthy, balanced person but my mother, well, this is what she once said to me, "Don't you think she'll be 'resentful' that you didn't have any other friends?"

Um, yeah.

My theory is that there will always be people who criticize how I raise her, but I'm still going to do it my way.

8:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kill 'em with kindness and understanding. Bottom line is you're trying to protect Em from being hurt. Explain to him that sometimes people find/make up reasons for why things happen. Those reasons are not necesarily true - but ultimately we can't control what other people think or feel. We only have control over our own selves and our own lives and how WE live and react to things. It doesn't matter what THEY think as long as YOU know the truth. The truth is that they're just blaming you for the break up of your marriage. Maybe that's what they feel they need to cope and make sense of the situation. That's actually OK - but not necessarily true. See that for what it is, accept it, and move on. Don't let what they think affect you.

We try to protect our kids. As they grow up we have to resist trying to protect them from life. An old Zen saying goes something like this:
"Human feelings are fraile, the ways of the world rugged." As much as we want to, we can't protect them from life. The best we can do is be a role model worthy of emulating. Choose to be understanding and happy in your own life.

6:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What do you mean by, "...gone far out of my way to ensure their comfort?"

10:39 AM  
Blogger Newscoma said...

Not to sound like a jerk, but if people don't understand who you are and how you live, fuck 'em and feed 'em fishheads.
One of the hardest lessons I've ever had to learn is that it is none of my business what other people think about me. I stumble here sometimes, believe me, but it's their crap, not mine.
Being gay doesn't mean anything other than you are gay.
Being a father, what a gift you have received and you obviously love your son from what I've read. If people can't handle you being yourself, don't let it take a lot of free real estate in your brain.
Keep doing what your doing and Good Luck.
Coma

5:23 AM  

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